Faith in Despair: The Hot Stove

I've been trying to think of a way to explain more about what this blog is about. This is NOT a place where Christians come to ask : "Oh Why me, Lord? WHY ME?!" (Although, I'm sure we've all asked it.) 
This is not a place for lack of faith but a place full of faith and the only way I can describe it is with the analogy of a big, hot stove.

Let's say you have a big hot stove. One of those old fashioned types that has a real fire in it and 6 big burners. Let's say you trip and reach out with your hand and grab the corner of the stove and you get a nasty, nasty burn. 
Now that person is going to be in some major pain and they are going to be very upset. Probably do some screaming. Some running around. Look for a doctor. It's not going to be a pleasant scene.

Let's say someone else trips and reaches out to brace themselves on the same big, hot stove but they actually trip and get wedged in so that they can't remove their hand from the stove. They have their hand stuck to the stove and it continues to burn and they are alone and they are in major pain. Pain that will not be stopping until after they get unstuck. 
They will NOT be asking the question, "Oh why have you allowed me to suffer, Lord?" 
There will still be the initial screaming and crying but pretty fast their body will soon stop wasting all the extra energy of screaming and their brain will instantly start trying to find a way to "UN-wedge" themselves and get AWAY from that stove!
If their hand is burning but they are not dying, they are going to be wishing they were dead pretty fast. There won't be a lot of time for self-examination, debating theology or questioning the "bigger issues" of faith. Probably they will be in so much pain they won't even be able to pray or maybe even initially think. 

Okay. Now let's Fast Forward an entire day. They've been wedged in and had their hand stuck to that stove and burning for an entire day and in massive pain. More than likely they will be wishing themselves DEAD because of the amount of pain and be "despairing of living", but if that person initially had faith in Jesus, at this point do you think they still have faith in Jesus,  or not?

The person stuck to that stove is going to be wondering a few things. Like "How can I still be alive after an entire day?" 
"Shouldn't I be more burnt than this?", "Why hasn't somebody responded to my screaming?", "How is it possible that I'm able to think rationally?" They are probably going to come to the conclusion that they are getting supernatural Help.
Believe me in a situation when you are in THAT much pain and THAT close to dying , you are not losing your faith in Jesus, you are finding it ... F-A-S-T! 
It's the Level of Suffering and the Amount of Time involved that makes the difference. And that's the difference in this Blog. 

I remember having food poisoning once. In 15 minutes I went from feeling fine and saying how much I enjoyed those mushrooms to pooping and puking everywhere. Then once I was empty (from both ends) I discovered I still couldn't stop retching. And with all that retching, I couldn't catch my breath. I managed to catch my breath only once and called out "Jesus! Help me." 
I suddenly noticed something weird. When I said "Jesus" out loud, the retching stopped for a second and I could take another breath in. It worked once, so I tried it again. I discovered each time I exhaled I said "Jesus" out loud, I was able to take a breath in again. If I didn't say "Jesus" on the exhale, the retching would start up again and I'd lose the ability to breath again. 
So I just kept on saying "Jesus" on the exhale, until at some point I eventually passed out. I literally needed Jesus for every breath I took. 
That was several years ago and since then I've analysed what happened and what was going on but at the time ...
all I knew is that as long as saying "Jesus" was keeping me breathing, I was going to keep saying "Jesus." 

So here we are attached to this stove with our hand burning. We aren't dying. We are in so much pain that we may be wishing we were dying, but if you figure out that Jesus is what is keeping you going, then you CLING to Him. The Questioning  Dialogue and Debating can wait until later. 

That's more what this blog is about. So keep that big, hot stove in mind all the time. (especially when you are reading peoples' Comments. )
If you run across someone here who is basically doing more whining and complaining than anything else, then they have seen some pain but they aren't "despairing". Maybe they've burned their hand, but they are not stuck to the stove day in and day out. Someone stuck to the stove has a faith that is alive, amazing and abundantly simple and clear.
That's why this blog is the despairing Christian. If the suffering in life is coming at you so hard and furious that you are "despairing of living", you are closer to Jesus than you ever have been before. For one simple reason. You need him for every single breath.

That's what those people in the Depression and the Dust Bowl figured out. They got close to Jesus in a way you just can't unless things get that bad. Now go back and read the verse 2 Corinthians 1:8 in the context that Paul uses it. He's not having a momentary lack of faith. He is FULL of faith. 

And as the deaths and suffering started piling up for me, I stopped my whining. I still had (and have) questions that I want answered. But they might not get answered on this side of Heaven and that's just fine. I have become a "Simpleton" when it comes to faith in Jesus. I can hear Him. His grace is sufficient. He is worthy. He will provide. He knows best. Disobedience is pointless. How can I not forgive when He forgave me. I might be made out of dirt but I am also God's Beloved. Maybe I "despair of living" and every day I long to go Home, but I can also hear the Lord more clearly than I ever have before. Having possessions? That will only rot and mold. Money? Jesus will give me what I need or else I don't need it. Even precious photographs? What if I lose those? He can stir alive a memory in a second and make it as warm and clear as if it is happening again right in front of me.

 I hear Jesus big and loud and clearer than I ever have before.
 "Despairing" - Absolutely.
But my faith has become just like the Bible says. Being "sure" and "certain". (Hebrews 11:1)

That being said. This doesn't all happen over-night. But it will happen faster than you can believe. When you are in that much trouble, Jesus doesn't waste a lot of time. And direct and immediate obedience to what God asks you to do gets direct and immediate results.

Stop Sweeping Under the Rug ... It's Getting Too Crowded Under There

"Despair" is not a good or fun or nice thing to have to live through. BUT there was a time when if you were a Christian and you were "suffering" people told you there was something WRONG with your faith. (Like you might be hiding "secret sin" because God actually wants you to be rich and happy ALL the time).

Well, a LOT of people have re-vamped their attitude on suffering. Not even every Christian minister will tell you that God doesn't want you to suffer. So maybe it's time to take another look at "Despair" too. Just like "Pornography" or "Wife Beating" or a million other things that Christians face COMPLETELY ALONE. Because we are definitely NOT "cutting it". And it's not good to pretend everything is fine, ... when it isn't.

The Great Despairing

Many years ago when I only thought my life was difficult I was watching a documentary on PBS called something like, "The Dust Bowl Diaries". It consisted of photos and film clips from the years of the Depression in the 1930's and excerpts being read out loud from peoples' actual diaries.

Now during those days most people were Christians and they had no shame in that. They spent their entire lives attending church, having faith and believing in Jesus. But as the years of their suffering continued to mount it seemed that they all went through the same thing. A similar string of events that they felt the need to record in their diaries and journals.

The first years when their crops failed and there was no rain, they prayed and prayed. Then after 2-4 years of failed crops they started asking God the question we usually ask when we start facing our first real suffering: WHY?

Then they lost their homes (because most of them were share-croppers). So they bundled up the few possessions they had left and their families and left the only homes they had ever known, "girded their loins", screwed up what was thinly left of their wisps of faith and headed mostly west towards California. Trying to find enough food to keep the few stronger members of their families eating and going.. (Most of us have seen the movie "The Grapes of Wrath" based on John Steinbeck's great novel of the same name). But there seemed to be one more step that Hollywood and Steinbeck left out of real life. In those real diaries I was listening to all the writers seemed to discover: "IT"

That "Thing". That part of faith that happens when your home is gone, your children have starved to death and all that remains is you.  And only you. What I found fascinating is that everyone who continued to write to that final point seemed to feel the need to record it, even when they didn't have the ability to find the words to record it.

Yet, instead of being filled with bitterness and hate, they seemed to find a different level to their faith. An inexpressible level. Dare I say it? A level of PEACE. A level of TRUST. A level of  ... JOY. I became both afraid and curious. And both of those feelings came rushing at me beyond my control. I seemed to know on an instinctive level that if I would discover the "IT" of my faith in Jesus, I would find it only through that  deep a profound level of suffering.

Did I dare to even wonder what that "Thing" was? Did I have a choice? Would it come suddenly? Would God give me a choice? Would I follow even if it cost all that I had? Would I even be able to understand what God was trying to say to me when He is so big and I am so small? By that point would I even care any more? What would happen to me personally for me to get to "that place"? What happens when a Christian suffers so great and so deeply that there simply are no more words and no more "whys"? When everything that once belonged to you is gone: your money, your possessions, your family, your friends, your health, your strength and at very long last ... yourself.  When you realise that you are nothing but a pile of dirt made special because God breathed into you and decided to make you special.

When I was originally watching that documentary, something inside of me knew that God might chose to take me down that road to find out. And that's what these years have been about.
I've found the "It". I came to the end of "myself" and discovered that I wasn't alone.
 God led ... and I followed. The Potter called to me, "The Clay" and I came. No one is more surprised than me that I decided to follow. But He is worthy and I couldn't say "No".  Especially once I started to see the amazing results of obedience.
I don't really have any idea how to express what I've been through any more than those people of faith in Jesus during the Dust Bowl did way back in the 1930's. But long after even the physical strength to write had left them, they continued to record. Continued to give their testimony. Continued to be a witness. An Ambassador. A living sacrifice. Continued to sing, Continued to praise.
And so many people who were "giants" of faith in the Bible suffered on a scale beyond ordinary comprehension. I suspect there are other people out there in the world right now and to this day who are suffering on a massive scale. Especially if we truly are God's people and we are truly are in the last days of this tired old Earth. (Just as described in the book of Revelation in the Bible. Which is where Steinbeck actually got the term "The Grapes of [God's] Wrath" from.)

At first I thought God was doing a renovation job on me, but what He actually said was, "Behold. I make all things new." I don't know if I will be able to describe this any more than anyone else could because the Journey to "It" is mostly a personal and private one. But for all the people I've come across who are quite literally desperate and have been that way year after year after long year, it is an amazing thing that every version of the combination of words "Despair" and "Christian" was available for a blog URL address. So what is it we simply cannot face that makes being a "Christian" who is facing "Despair" a thing we dare not talk about?

Yes. My people are gone now. There is only you and I.  And I have nothing to hide, nothing to fear and nothing to prove. I just live each day facing my own personal countdown to when it will be my turn to leave this all behind. And I won't be able to drop my despair fast enough. But if I am still here, then it is because there is still something else that Jesus wants me to do. Maybe it's simply to obey Him.
But for all the days of despair that it's taken for me to get to this place, I am grateful to the Apostle Paul for being able to express at least that one time what he wrote:

 "we were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself"  1 Corinthians 1:8. 
So that I need not feel any shame in feeling this way.

Yet what I find odd is that for all the thousands of articles and sermons and devotionals about loneliness and despair that are currently on the Internet, I am about to introduce to you for the first time this brand new blog: The Despairing Christian.  (With every combination of Despair and Christian that I placed together completely available.)